Homes and Other Black Holes

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME—EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKET

At long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered before:

What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?

Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six.

Can you recommend a good mortgage?

There are several kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead.

How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?

Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too.

Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?

Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.