Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?

* How the U.S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler

* Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money

* Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are—let's be honest—a no-talent loser

* How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider

* An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel)

* Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy—or, for that matter, sell—real estate

* How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating

* Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one

* How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any

* Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death

* And many, many pictures of Suze Orman

But that's only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don't have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics ("Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot"). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can't afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies.

What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you.

Be honest in your answers: If you lie, you'll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return.

What is your annual income?

1. More than $50,000.

2. Less than $50,000.

3. However much I get when I return these empties.

Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe?

1. Less than $10,000.

2. More than $10,000.

3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs.

How would you describe your portfolio?

1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities.

2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks.

3. My what?

When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor?

1. The amount of return.

2. The degree of risk.

3. The name of the jockey.

How do you plan to finance your retirement?

1. Savings.

2. Social security.

3. Sale of kidneys.

—from the Introduction: "Why You Need This Book"

Also available as a Crown eBook.

From the Hardcover edition.