Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

Infidelity is difficult as is: evolutionary psychology reveals that males are more susceptible to the sexual dimension, while females are more susceptible to the emotional dimension of it. But what compounds the problem are the lies, the deceit, the duplicity of life and the ensuing destructuring of identity: in a word, the politics which takes preeminence and gradually overshadows all other aspects of the interpersonal relation. The major merit of Pittman's book is to extricate this political aspect and to show that it is the one responsible for the destruction of intimacy, trust and, ultimately, the irreparable sense of betrayal. The book proposes to the reader a major effort of self-consciousness, and it is itself such an exercise. The overall effect is soothing, in that the analysis casts light on the darkest parts of the human soul which, as the tangle of deceptions gets thicker, get to take the driver's seat in the interpersonal dynamics. But, normally, this is an a posteriori benefit: although the knowledge of these facts might prevent the worse outcome, acting on it is improbable. Politics in the interpersonal relations has its own evolutionary logic, usually perceived in a compelling way and with a sense of necessity by the actor. Moving against this drive, probably with roots as old as the sexual reproduction itself, setting oneself aside of one's biology, would require more than wishful thinking and pious sentiments. The task of the reader is to identify, for himself or herself, "what can be done": or, else, to learn to live with the bitter wisdom that Pittman's book leaves behind. [A. M. Arsian]